


Slippery Salivations

by Garchomp445



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Legos, Post-Canon, Tentacle Monsters, not sexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 01:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12288828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garchomp445/pseuds/Garchomp445
Summary: Dirk and Jake must defeat an incredible monster with undefined powers, intense strength, and green goo. It's gross, it's horrible, but is it something they can handle?!Meanwhile, in the present, Rose makes fun of Dirk for his storytelling chops.





	Slippery Salivations

**Author's Note:**

> This is like, literally, point-for-point a dream I had. Even most of the dialogue. Thanks, subconscious.  
> Also, there is absolutely no sex in this, and it doesn't even approach it, you creeps, stop looking for that. Tentacle monsters are PEOPLE toO!!

Rose Lalonde picks her tea back up, and even Kanaya is looking a little relieved at the conclusion of her latest story. Okay, that’s a lie, Kanaya’s relieved, I’ve cracked open my fifth can of juice, and Roxy is ecstatic. She looks like she’s about the burst a vein from grinning, but Rose thankfully states,

“Roxy, perhaps you could leave your questions for later?” She smirks, “They may even be answered in the next volume.”

Roxy sits back down, “Right! I’ll take notes this time!”

Rose pans her gaze over to me, “Dirk, you’ve hardly had anything to say this whole time.” I nod, “I heard something happened down at Jake’s school?”

Roxy grins, “His school for Action-Heroics!”

“Yup. We got attacked by a tentacle monster.”

Roxy guffaws, Rose hides her face, and Kanaya states, a hint of levity to her voice,

“You Will Have To Be More Specific Than That.”

I put my can down, “Sure, I’ll start from the top.

“Obviously, Jake’s school is full of consorts, humans, carapacians, and trolls of all ages. It’s a happening kinda place. There’s this one student though, who really caught Jake’s eye. And by that, I mean introduced him to LEGOs.”

I pause, “You all know what those are, right?”

Kanaya looks at Rose, who nods, and Roxy says,

“The building-block toys?”

“Yup. So Jake’s hooked, obviously. He starts putting together these sets left and right, just following those instructions like a terrier chasing its tail.”

Rose interrupts, “I trust you and Jake are ‘good’ at this point in time?”

“Yeah. If we were going by the baseball metaphor, we would be solidly in the stands, watching the game with each other. Just, firmly attached to those seats.”

Roxy giggles, Kanaya narrows her eyes,

“Could You Briefly Elucidate Me On This ‘Baseball Metaphor’?”

I nod sagely, “It’s a sacred human tradition.” Rose starts shaking her head, “We compare the progress of our relationships with the progress of a game of human stickball.” Kanaya glares, but doesn’t say anything, “Out in the parking lot is before you know each other, scoffing hotdogs before the game is acquaintanceship, and watching the game is friendship.”

Rose says, “That was a passable explanation. You were talking about a student who introduced Jake to LEGOs?”

I nod, “Yup. Like I said, Jake was hooked on them. He wasn’t about to start neglecting his duty, of course, but it was a fun diversion.” I lean forward, “Was.” Roxy gasps as loudly as she can, “I figured out something was wrong when I saw him with a bit of green slime in his hair. I asked him about it, but he couldn’t remember where it came from.

He said something like, “By gum! How sloppy of me! Perhaps it’s from my most recent adventure with that mischievous John?!”

Jake then spent the next half hour telling me, and a couple hundred students, mostly salamanders, about John’s exploits. I got one of my robots to sample it for me, and we similarly acquired John’s ‘ecto-plasm’.”

Kanaya states, “Could You Not Have Asked Politely Instead Of Sending Your Robot Minions To Run Your Errands?”

“They are sentient robot companions, and I am insulted that you would degrade them as mere ‘minions’” I sit back in my chair, and put my legs up on the cafe table, then speak into my glasses, “Squarewave, could you get me another juice?”

A distant roar starts immediately. I continue, “And as you could guess, the green goop wasn’t from John. I couldn’t determine the source, so I decided to hang out with Jake more than was contractually required. He took me up to the office, where he and this troll kid had set up what could be generously described as a LEGO city, it was mostly just where they were storing all their finished models. So the bell rings, Jake dashes out, suitably heroically, and the kid makes some excuses and leaves, too. But once he leaves-”

A loud, jet roar comes from the side of the cafe, and Squarewave jets up, wearing a rocketpack. He walks over with a single can of juice, and immediately shouts,

“YO DAWG I HEARD YOU WANTED SOME JUICE, BUT IF YOU WANT IT YOU GOTTA CUT LOOSE.”

“Oh no.”

Squarewave starts bouncing in his way, and shouts, “JUICE IS YOUR DESIRE, BUT YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ‘TILL YOU PERSPIRE.”

I lean down towards the table, where Rose and Kanaya are stifling laughs. Roxy’s giggling up a storm all by herself. I say,

“Squarewave, I brought you here for a joke, just keep the juice.”

Kanaya states, “The Irony Of This Joke Escapes Me. Dave Would, Without A Doubt, Find It Hilarious.”

Rose smirks, “That’s a great idea, text him now.”

Squarewave walks behind the girls to get into my field of view, and keeps shouting,

“THIS CAN IS MINE, ANOTHER ONE YOU WON’T FIND, UNLESS YOU DARE TO MIND, YOUR FILTHY RYHMES AND DINES.”

I put my head in my hands, “That doesn’t even work. I’m just going to ignore you.” I look back up to them, “Okay, so once the troll leaves, I look around the sets-”

Squarewave interrupts,

“MY SETS ARE DOPE, AND YOU’VE ALREADY CHOCKED.”

“Yes. You win. And then I wake up all the way on LOFAF, covered in that green slime.” Rose perks up, then says,

“Did it at least leave a note on the pillow?”

“No, it was so rude. It did leave a corpse, though. It looked mostly intact, so I must’ve sucked its soul out, but It didn’t look like any of the sburb monsters. It was a long, green thing with a million little, rapidly disintegrating limbs, and in a few seconds, the whole thing was gone.”

“So it must’ve had some memory-erasing properties to it.”

I smirk, “Hey, I don’t give out spoilers for YOUR novels, do I?”

She scoffs, “Fair enough.”

Squarewave shouts, “YOU’LL BE SPOILIN’ YOUR TOILIN’, YOU RAP-LESS SON OF A BOILIN’”

“Could someone please douse him?”

Roxy gasps, “I thought he was your robot companion! That’s so mean!”

Kanaya nods, “Yes, Whatever Level Of Irony We Are Operating On Now Means That This Robot Must Continue To Interrupt Your Story.”

Rose laughs, I shake my head, then say,

“Okay, so obviously I immediately go to Jake, but he’s teaching a class, so I really just browse the internet on my shades outside the room until it’s over. I tell him,

‘Jake, I think I know what left that slime on you.’

He immediately tenses up, ‘That sounds very inappropriate for these impressionable youths, let us return to my office if we must discuss this-’

‘No, Jake, you remember that green slime earlier?’

We end up walking back to his office anyway, ‘Oh! I thought that was from my rumpus with Egbert?’

‘I did a cross-analysis, and John’s ectoplasm has a totally different composition. And just a few minutes ago, I woke up in a puddle of green slime that was just like the stuff you had.’

He stroked his chin thoughtfully, and said, ‘So we’re in the middle of mystery, and I wouldn’t have even noticed it! How exciting! Do you have any other clues?’

‘No, I was going to ask if you could remember anything from back then.’

I didn’t get the chance to grill him, because a carapacian ran up and took Jake’s hand,

‘What ho! My presence is needed?!’

Once we got to his office, it was trashed, and there was a huge hole in the wall. There were bricks everywhere, both plastic and real, and Jake’s troll friend was nearly in tears over all the ruined sets. Jake immediately started giving a speech to calm his school, while I searched for clues, and contacted my robot construction crew. There wasn’t much in the way of clues, except for that same green slime, and I had already had more than enough of that.

What we ended up doing, for pretty much the entire rest of the day, was rebuilding every single LEGO set. They kept all the instructions, apparently they tended to drop them fairly often, which will be important later.”

Rose interrupts, “In story-telling, mentioning something automatically makes it important. You don’t have to specify that.”

Kanaya stares at her, “Now You Are The One Interrupting.”

“Sorry, Kanaya.” Rose bows her head and shifts closer to Kanaya.

“The sets are complete, it’s late at night, and the kid’s really tired. But he’s also weirdly protective of this one set, and wants to take it back to his hive. Jake built most of the sets by himself, so he makes some dramatic motions about his shaking hands, and I end up carrying this huge plastic spaceship down like one and a half flights of stairs. I say one and a half, because I tripped and fell, then woke up at the bottom of the stairs, propped up by Jake, and next to the unconscious troll kid.

Jake fills me in on what happened, a monster sprung up out of nowhere, lashed out at the kid and I, knocking us both out. Jake then says that he did some ‘hopey stuff’ and the monster disappeared, and I woke up before the kid. At this point, I’m totally convinced that It’s the kid’s fault, and I don’t exactly say the right stuff, but Jake figures it out.”

Rose quirks her eyebrows, and I sigh,

“Okay, so I said

‘It’s clearly the kid. Last time, it happened right after he left, and this time, he was already here.’ Jake cringed, ‘We should gather more evidence, then banish him to the furthest ring.’

‘No! I cannot allow you to jump to that so quickly!’

‘What else could it have been?!’ I probably did something like ruffle his shirt, or something else controlling and panicky, ‘It was more than likely just a ploy to get to you!’

Jake walked off a few feet, and I went back up the stairs. The troll woke up, and he immediately started to rebuild the set, while letting out groans and complaining. Jake put two and two together, and called me back down.

‘Dirk, what would be your course of action if you woke up next to a broken LEGO set?’

I nodded, ‘You’re saying that he would’ve rebuilt the set as soon as it broke.’

‘Exactly! He would be too distracted to take advantage of the situation!’ The troll is only vaguely listening, and Jake points at him, ‘See? He’s not even talking to us!’ He looks up and glares, ‘Sorry!’

‘Which means that the monster is probably in the set.’ I cross my arms.

Jake starts, ‘Golly! I think you’ve figured it out!’

‘No, we still need to get it out.’

I pace around the room, ‘We should break it again, but far away from us, or with robots.’”

Dave sidles in between me and Roxy, then whispers, “Don’t mind me. You were at ‘Robots’” I roll my eyes.

“But of course neither the troll, nor Jake are willing to break it again, especially since it’s already been broken three times, at least. I say,

‘Okay, I’ll try extracting its soul.’”

I cringe, and look at the expectant eyes all around,

“That didn’t work too well. Well, okay, it did work, in a sense. I grabbed the creature’s soul, the troll’s, and Jake’s. At the moment I didn’t know it, but I had placed the troll in the monster’s body, Jake in the troll’s body, and the monster in Jake’s body. I jump back as the monster begins to flail wildly, the troll sits there watching Jake, and Jake uses his powers to create a massive bubble of hope. I dash in and retrieve the troll, hope burning through my suit, and I notice the monster crash through the side of the building.

The hope-rays pick up each of the plastic bits as they tear the school to shreds, the troll shouts,

‘My school! Gadzooks, what power!’

The spaceship set assembles itself in seconds, then the monster-Jake concentrates the rays, and the spaceship turns real. It’s bristling with weapons, nearly a hundred meters in length, but monster-Jake can’t seem to affect it. It crashes back into the planet with a massive boom, and monster-Jake shouts at me,

‘What have you done?! Your species shall burn!’

Which I expected from an alien that’s been trying to beat us up all day. It flies at me, but I just swap Jake and it, so Jake’s back in his own body, and the alien goes into the troll’s body. The alien then uses the troll’s body to punch and kick me feebly. Jake shouts,

‘We must return the alien to its own body!’

‘It just said that we should all burn.”

Jake smiles, hope pulsing from his hands, ‘I have a plan!’

I sigh. None of my plans have worked out so far, so I choose to trust him. Jake flies under the ship, and I transfer the souls. Immediately, the creature-alien-thing wobbles over to its spaceship, probably cursing in whatever language it speaks, and as soon as it straps itself in, Jake blasts it into deep space with hope. I rebuilt the school in like, five minutes with my robots, but Jake and the troll had to start their LEGO collection from scratch. The end.”

Rose grimaces, “So you made contact with a new species of extraterrestrial, and all you ended up doing with it was shooting it off into space?” She takes her chin, “Do you know the general direction you sent it in?”

I say, “Yeah. Up.”

Dave immediately high-fives me. Roxy laughs, and Kanaya and Rose sigh. Dave then says,

“That wasn’t ironic at all.”

“What?”

“Kanaya said,” Dave makes air quotes, “‘There Is A Major Out Break Of Irony That You Must Help Us Mop Up.’”

Kanaya glares at him and states, “I Did Not Say Anything Like That.”

“But that was pretty, like, normal for around here.” He presents his hands, “There was a monster, and you totally took care of it.” He pats me on the shoulder, “Good job, bro.”

“Thanks.”

Kanaya raises her hand, “The Irony I Spoke Of Was Of A Different Sort.” She points to Squarewave, “Dirk Attempted A Joke, Which Backfired Hilariously.”

“Oh, clue me in on that.” He gestures to Squarewave, “Also, bro, could I have that apple juice if you aren’t juicing your circuits with it?”

Squarewave shouts back into action, “YOU WANNA JUICE, YOU GOTTA BOOST! RAP ME A SONG, AND I’LL JUICE YOU A BONG!”

“Oh hell yeah man I’m here for this.”

They proceed to have one of the most mediocre rap-offs in all of paradox space.

**Author's Note:**

> And they all lived happily ever after. This was super fun, but I will, seriously, only write homestuck fanfiction to annoy my sister, aka the biggest homestuck I know. 
> 
> Feel free to leave kudos, comment, subscribe. All at once, plox.


End file.
